Fuzz with his Dad. James Fusaro, 1940-1981
When I was 17, my father, was in the hospital. He had been raising my younger brother and myself on his own since I was 8 and my brother 4. Now he was really sick with colon cancer, and although he was only 39-years-old, he looked like a frail old man.
I was always intimidated by my father and could never seem to do anything he would have considered admirable. Trying to make up for this, I decided to visit my father in the hospital with John Paderewski. John went to a Catholic High School, had great parents, was a straight arrow and my father respected him. In addition to John, I also thought it would really impress my father to meet my new girlfriend, Holly. She was tall, smart, beautiful, tan and blond. I was convinced that by bringing them along on the visit, my father would be impressed with me.
On the way to the hospital, I was enthusiastic, gabbing a mile a minute with John and Holly. Once at the hospital, I walked in my dad’s room followed by Holly and then, John. I felt like a big shot. My father looked us over and then turned to John and said; “John, what the fuck are you doing with this loser? He’s like having a fucking anchor around your neck. Do yourself a favor and cut him lose before he drags you to the bottom.” Right after that, my father told me to get out of the room because he said, looking at me made him sick. John spent a few minutes more in the room with my dad and then we left.
John was as kind as he could be, not saying anything on the ride home and I didn’t utter a peep as I drove. We drove in silence, I couldn’t wait to drop them off. I never called Holly again.
That was one of the last times I saw my father in the hospital before he died. Years have gone by and I realize what a serious blunder I had made; I never for once considered that my father might have been embarrassed about the condition he was in, and that having unexpected guests, let alone strangers, sprung on him like that, was that last thing he would want, let alone expect from his oldest son. Instead of trying to impress my father by bringing an entourage with me to the hospital, I believe he would have been really impressed with me, if I just showed up by myself and spent some time with him alone.
Today I hear John is still a straight arrow and has grown into the successful family man my father would have expected. And I ran into Holly’s brother at a school reunion, he pulled me aside to tell me that Holly told him, that out of all the guys she knew, I was one of the ones she thought highly of.
I guess she saw in me what my father did and I couldn’t; that he loved me for who I was, not who I was with. No wonder he was frustrated with me then. But I know he isn’t now.
